After every flight, Qantas Airlines pilots fill out a form called a gripe sheet, which conveys to the mechanics problems encountered with the aircraft during the flight that need repair or correction. The mechanics read and correct the problem, and then respond in writing on the lower half of the form what remedial action was taken, and the pilot reviews the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews and engineers lack a sense of humour.
Here are some supposedly actual logged maintenance complaints and problems as submitted by Qantas pilots and the solution as recorded by Qantas maintenance engineers.
By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.
(P = The problem logged by the pilot.)
(S = The solution and action taken by the engineers.)
P: Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement.
S: Almost replaced left inside main tyre.
P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.
S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.
P: Something loose in cockpit.
S: Something tightened in cockpit.
P: Dead bugs on windshield.
S: Live bugs on backorder.
P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.
S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.
P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.
S: Evidence removed.
P: DME volume unbelievably loud.
S: DME volume set to more believable level.
P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.
S: That's what they're there for.
P: IFF inoperative.
S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.
P: Suspected crack in windshield.
S: Suspect you're right.
P: Number 3 engine missing.
S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.
P: Aircraft handles funny.
S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.
P: Target radar hums.
S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.
P: Mouse in cockpit.
S: Cat installed.
P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.
S: Took hammer away from midget.
Newsletter 4: What a lovely variety of comments, puzzles, just news!
HUSBAND TO WIFE IN QUEUE:
"Don't complain, the queue is probably the only bit of structure we will experience for the next few weeks".
HUSBAND TO WIFE ON THE TELEPHONE
"Stop spreading gossip" Wife - "I'm not gossiping, I am just recycling information."
1. What’s the difference between a composer and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
2. What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favourite way to get around the airport?
3. Why couldn’t the String Quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
4. What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
5. Arnold Schoenberg walks into a bar.
“I’ll have a gin please, but no tonic.”
6. Why was the former conductor of the Berlin Philharmonic always first off the plane?
Because he only had Karajan luggage.
7. There are so many jokes about this composer . . . . .
I could write you a Liszt.
8. Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
9. Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
10. How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
11. How do you put a twinkle in a soprano’s eye?
Shine a torch in her ear.
12. What’s the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.
13. How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza (sorry John)
14. What’s the difference between a soprano and a Rottweiller?
15. What’s the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
16. How does a soprano sing a scale?
Do, Re, Mi, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me!
17. What’s the difference between a musician and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
18. What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the bin and it hits an accordion.
19. How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. She just holds on and the world revolves around her.
20. A percussionist, (Ian) tired of being ridiculed by other musicians decides to change instruments.
He walks into a music shop and says, “I’ll take that red trumpet over there, and that accordion.”
After a second, the shop assistant says, “Ok, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator stays”.