1. What’s the difference between a composer and God?
God doesn’t think he’s a conductor.
2. What’s Giuseppe Verdi’s favourite way to get around the airport?
3. Why couldn’t the String Quartet find their composer?
He was Haydn.
4. What was Beethoven’s favourite fruit?
5. Arnold Schoenberg walks into a bar.
“I’ll have a gin please, but no tonic.”
6. Why was the former conductor of the Berlin Philharmonic always first off the plane?
Because he only had Karajan luggage.
7. There are so many jokes about this composer . . . . .
I could write you a Liszt.
8. Why didn’t Handel go shopping?
Because he was Baroque.
9. Why didn’t the bouncer let the quavers into the bar?
Because they were slurring.
10. How do you fix a broken brass instrument?
With a tuba glue.
11. How do you put a twinkle in a soprano’s eye?
Shine a torch in her ear.
12. What’s the difference between a viola and an onion?
No one cries when you cut up a viola.
13. How do you get a trombonist off your doorstep?
Pay them for the pizza (sorry John)
14. What’s the difference between a soprano and a Rottweiller?
15. What’s the difference between a bassoon and a trampoline?
You take your shoes off to jump on a trampoline.
16. How does a soprano sing a scale?
Do, Re, Mi, Me, Me, Me, Me, Me!
17. What’s the difference between a musician and a pizza?
A pizza can feed a family of four.
18. What’s the definition of perfect pitch?
When you toss a banjo in the bin and it hits an accordion.
19. How many sopranos does it take to change a lightbulb?
One. She just holds on and the world revolves around her.
20. A percussionist, (Ian) tired of being ridiculed by other musicians decides to change instruments.
He walks into a music shop and says, “I’ll take that red trumpet over there, and that accordion.”
After a second, the shop assistant says, “Ok, you can have the fire extinguisher but the radiator stays”.