You are a bus driver. At the first stop of the day, eight people get on board. At the second stop, four get off, and eleven get on. At the third stop, two get off, and six get on. At the fourth stop, thirteen get off, and one gets on. At the fifth stop, five get off, and three get on. At the sixth stop, three get off, and two get on. What colour are the bus driver's eyes?

Extracts from Uxbridge (with thanks to “I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue.”) *
Far from making sense of the English language, most dictionaries fragrantly misregard basic English constriction – words simply don’t mean what they sound. 

• Amstrad: amateur violinist.
  
• Barbecue: a long wait for a haircut.
• Cardiac: someone who knows a heck of a lot about cardigans.
• Catastrophe: feline punctuation.
• Decrease: do the ironing.
• Dentist: someone who repairs car bodywork.
• Enamour: what you use to bang nails in.
• Enquire: a group of singing chickens from the East End.
• Extractor fan: former lover of agricultural equipment.
• Flabbergasted: appalled at your weight gain.
• Flagrant: a tramp with a whip.
• Genteel: chivalrous fish.
• Gooseberry: a big duck’s hat.
• Honolulu: to give an MBE to a Scottish singer.
• Hypotenuse: the lavatory is engaged.
• Icon: optical illusion.
• Inviolate: dressed in purple.
• Jocular: Scots vampire.
• Knapsack: A sleeping bag.
• Kneepads: Scottish turnip commercials.
• Laburnum: A French barbecue.
• Lamentable: (Yorkshire) The Sunday roast is ready.
• Lavish: A bit like a toilet.
• Lovelorn: to be very very fond of grass.
• Malady: a bit like a duck.
• Measles: what artists use for self-portraits.
• Navigate: scandal concerning road diggers.
• Notable: you’ll have to have your dinner on the floor.
• Oboe: American tramp.
• Otter: nice weather in Yorkshire.
• Painful: complete with windows.
• Pastiche: what Sean Connery eats in Cornwall.
• Philharmonic: feed our Queen.
• Reincarnation: born again as a tin of condensed milk.
• Resource: get some more ketchup.
• Rind: What Prince Charles buys in a pub.
• Sandy: that’s convenient.
• Scar tissue: a problem attaching a DVD machine to the television.
• Scurrilous: a mouse with no legs.
• Semolina: a system of signalling with puddings.
• Stockade: fizzy Oxo.
• Subdued: a less than cool person.
• Tentacles: eyewear for campers.
• Terminology: the study of fur in Yorkshire.
• Typhoon: tea that gives you wind.
• Vigilant: an insect that stays up all night.
• Violin: nasty pub.
• Warbling: Geordie jewellery.
• Warming: Geordie porcelain.
• Warthogs: Geordie clothing.
• Weeding: Scottish handbell.
• Yodelling: trainee Jedi knight.
  
• Zucchini: animal park enthusiast.

* these are the ones that would get through the censor!

Perhaps you have other definitions to add to this far from comprehensive list?

Just saw a news report about the stresses and strains of self isolation. It reported that people are going crazy from being in lockdown!
It was strange, actually, because I had just been talking about this with the microwave and toaster and all of us agreed that things are getting bad. I didn't mention anything to the washing machine as she always has to put a different spin on everything, and certainly not to the fridge as he is acting cold and distant.
In the end the iron calmed me down. She said everything will be fine, which surprised me because she’s usually the first one to apply unnecessary pressure and get steamed up over nothing !!!
I have spoken with the taps about your situation, they were very hot and cold on the subject, and the vacuum cleaner said it sucks.
... The curtains were closed on the subject and the carpet was just filthy.

Stay sane and safe!

Found this on the internet - you may have seen it already.
Reflections of the Virus

1. Half of us are going to come out of this quarantine as amazing cooks. The other half with a drinking problem
   
2. I used to spin that toilet paper like I was on Wheel of Fortune, now I turn it like I'm cracking a safe
3. I need to practice social distancing with the fridge.
4. I still haven't decided where to go for a holiday - the living room or the bedroom
5. Every few days, try your jeans on just to make sure they still fit. Pyjama's will have you believe all is well in the kingdom.
6. I don't think anyone expected when we changed the clocks, we'd go from Standard Time to the Twilight Zone
7. This morning, I saw my neighbour talking to her dog again. It was obvious she thought her dog understood her. When I got back into the house, I told my cats and we laughed.
8. My body has absorbed so much soap and disinfectant lately that when I pee, it cleans the toilet.
9. I'm so excited it's time to take out the rubbish. What should I wear?
10. I hope the weather is good tomorrow for my trip to "Puerto Backyarda" cos I'm getting real tired of "Los Livingroom"
11. Classified ad: Single man with toilet paper seeks woman with hand sanitizer for good clean fun
12. Better 6 feet apart than 6 feet under....!!

Be Safe my dear friends

Kind regards,
Stephen

Another amazing musical video which I got via Newcastle Choral Society