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From Sharon - Uxbridge dictionary entries

6/6/2020

1 Comment

 
Extracts from Uxbridge (with thanks to “I’m Sorry I Haven’t A Clue.”) *
Far from making sense of the English language, most dictionaries fragrantly misregard basic English constriction – words simply don’t mean what they sound. 
  • Amstrad: amateur violinist.
  • Barbecue: a long wait for a haircut.
  • Cardiac: someone who knows a heck of a lot about cardigans.
  • Catastrophe: feline punctuation.
  • Decrease: do the ironing.
  • Dentist: someone who repairs car bodywork.
  • Enamour: what you use to bang nails in.
  • Enquire: a group of singing chickens from the East End.
  • Extractor fan: former lover of agricultural equipment.
  • Flabbergasted: appalled at your weight gain.
  • Flagrant: a tramp with a whip.
  • Genteel: chivalrous fish.
  • Gooseberry: a big duck’s hat.
  • Honolulu: to give an MBE to a Scottish singer.
  • Hypotenuse: the lavatory is engaged.
  • Icon: optical illusion.
  • Inviolate: dressed in purple.
  • Jocular: Scots vampire.
  • Knapsack: A sleeping bag.
  • Kneepads: Scottish turnip commercials.
  • Laburnum: A French barbecue.
  • Lamentable: (Yorkshire) The Sunday roast is ready.
  • Lavish: A bit like a toilet.
  • Lovelorn: to be very very fond of grass.
  • Malady: a bit like a duck.
  • Measles: what artists use for self-portraits.
  • Navigate: scandal concerning road diggers.
  • Notable: you’ll have to have your dinner on the floor.
  • Oboe: American tramp.
  • Otter: nice weather in Yorkshire.
  • Painful: complete with windows.
  • Pastiche: what Sean Connery eats in Cornwall.
  • Philharmonic: feed our Queen.
  • Reincarnation: born again as a tin of condensed milk.
  • Resource: get some more ketchup.
  • Rind: What Prince Charles buys in a pub.
  • Sandy: that’s convenient.
  • Scar tissue: a problem attaching a DVD machine to the television.
  • Scurrilous: a mouse with no legs.
  • Semolina: a system of signalling with puddings.
  • Stockade: fizzy Oxo.
  • Subdued: a less than cool person.
  • Tentacles: eyewear for campers.
  • Terminology: the study of fur in Yorkshire.
  • Typhoon: tea that gives you wind.
  • Vigilant: an insect that stays up all night.
  • Violin: nasty pub.
  • Warbling: Geordie jewellery.
  • Warming: Geordie porcelain.
  • Warthogs: Geordie clothing.
  • Weeding: Scottish handbell.
  • Yodelling: trainee Jedi knight.
  • Zucchini: animal park enthusiast.
* these are the ones that would get through the censor!

Perhaps you have other definitions to add to this far from comprehensive list?
1 Comment
Helen
8/6/2020 01:31:29 pm

Investments: traipsing around in priestly garb.

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    • Our past performances - by number
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