From Richard - Lancashire News
After the highly encouraging reports of everyone's success with my tips on how to fry an egg and burn toast, I thought you might find it helpful if I share yet another of my not insignificant skills.
However, first an apology to anyone who looked at and tired the process from newsheet 3a before the corrections were issued. As a reminder, I was going into the technicalities of burning toast - too long to repeat here - when a typo slipped in. You may now be aware that the bread should have been under the grill for up to 5 minutes not 50. For those who did not spot this problem, the positive outcome is that the smoke detector has had a live conditions test and the battery has been replaced. In addition, the smell of smoke has likely been usurped by the smell of new paint. This can be countered if you light a few scented candles but for goodness sake keep the fire extinguisher handy. Consequently, I'm a shade nervous about adding new challenges to your culinary skills, even if you have sobered up.
Anyway, here on the west edge of the West Pennine Moors the sun is shining and there is probably a need for a trip to the hairdresser which you can't do during lockdown. It's perfectly acceptable to tackle this at home and, like cooking, is straightforward if you get the preparation right - remember Poor Preparation Prevents Perfect Performance. This process can be followed by ladies and gents, may be done without assistance and, with care, should not require any first aid. Tools and equipment required include scissors - the ones used for cooking are OK but involve another, as yet not described, task of washing up and sanitisation - comb, hair drier and vacuum cleaner. For the best outcome a mirror is helpful, but not essential, as will be towels. The most important item is strong drink to steady the nerves. The highly effective types, like cask strength malt whisky, will probably be available in the darker reaches of a man cave and at this point a large measure should be poured and tested to be sure it still works. If there is any evidence of hand trembling or similar, the test measure was not large enough - try again, repeating until you are satisfied with the outcome. You may now need to to sit down, before you fall, with a mirror in front of you. It is quite useful if you are still able to focus but if not try another swig of malt until the image in the mirror appears as some youthful version of you. A quick trial on the fringe area of your hair (the bit at the front) may be of benefit as most errors here can be covered up by a comb forward. Best to reassure yourself with another shot of malt. Next try the sides as again comb over can cover up - don't forget to reward yourself with a swift slurp or two of malt. The top of the head may a bit more tricky so I suggest it helpful to steady your nerves some more whisky as this is a point of no return with comb-overs no longer an option. Trim a centimetre or two from each grasped handful with no need to use a tape measure to check exact lengths -close enough is good enough. Take a congratulatory mouthful of scotch. Repeat these steps until you are happy with the result or look like Yul Brynner and have no more malt available as consolation. The good news here is you can decide to leave the bit at the back to grow enough to make a ponytail and then you'll look trendy AND in a few weeks you won't be able to tell.
Well I hope you find this tip as helpful as the last.
Once again sober up and stay well
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